Reason #xxx for being a feminist: I should be able to be in public without fear of being stared at or made uncomfortable by another person’s direct attention.
What happened: I was studying at a Barnes and Noble cafe. I was wearing a summer dress and a little jacket and I had makeup on. Nothing crazy. So I study for a while happily. An older man, at least 40, comes into the cafe and sits down a few tables away from me. I glance up, and as he is in the motion of sitting down, his eyes are on me. I go back to studying and for the next 15 minutes, 4 out of the 5 times I glance up, he is staring at me. Not an accidental glance, or even a coy flirty look. STARING.
After 15 minutes I can tell this guy is not going to stop and I am getting really uncomfortable so I get up to leave. I purposely take the long way out of the cafe so I can avoid him. As I walk out I look at him one more time. He has turned away from his table to watch me walk out. what. the. fuck.
So I walk out feeling uncomfortable by this man’s presence and his actions toward me, and even afraid that he might follow me out to my car because he was watching me so intently, but the thing that made me most upset was that I didn’t have the guts to say anything to him. I wanted to say loudly across the room “Would you like to stop staring at me now?” or walk past him and say “Just so everyone in the room knows, this man has been making me really uncomfortable by staring at me. Let it be known he is a pervert, considering he’s twice my age,” and walked out. But I didn’t, because I was ashamed. He totally got away with making me feel uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure he knew I had absolutely no interest in interacting with him, because I never met his eyes for more than half a second. And I had to leave my space and interrupt MY study time because of him. Is something wrong with this picture?
Why is it even my responsibility to leave? Shouldn’t I be able to exist in public without feeling the pressure of someone’s eyes on me? I’m sure someone is thinking “well, you dressed up and you looked cute, so you oughta know that’s a consequence.” Heck, I’m even saying it a little bit to myself. But then I remind myself that it ISN’T my responsibility to change my appearance so that others change their reaction towards me. I can dress however I want because it’s not for anyone else. That man shouldn’t have been staring at me or even thrown me more than a glance. Fuck him.
The next time this happens, I am going to try as hard as I can to work up the courage to say something. I can’t keep hiding in a shell and let people like this control me, whether inadvertently or purposefully.
Comments on: "on being female in public" (2)
Sorry that happened to you!
the thing that made me most upset was that I didn’t have the guts to say anything to him.
It’s not your fault.
The situation wouldn’t be magically better if you had done something. He is the one who’s f’ed up, not you.
If you talk to him, in his twisted mind (even if you’re screaming at him and cursing with every swear word in the book) he’s won, because you’re giving him attention, and he’ll think you’re cute when you’re mad.
Your behavior or dress is certainly not encouraging him. He’s just messed up.
If you want to feel a little better about it (though this doesn’t solve the problem), don’t look up. Don’t glance at him to check to see if he’s still staring. Just ignore him completely (yes, even though it’s creepy and you know he’s staring anyway).
The only other thing that could work is to report him to a security guard, and have her escort the creepy guy out. Or find someone, female or male, who looks tough, and tell that person this guy is creeping you out, and have that person kick the s out of him.
You’re right – I guess I was hoping I could embarrass him or something. Or at the very least, even if I was letting him win by giving him attention, making him realize that what he did wasn’t okay. Maybe he doesn’t even know. I highly doubt it, but it could be possible. Who knows?
I think I would feel more able to do this if I was with someone else. Being by myself and calling someone out is intimidating.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting